Nothing New Under the Sun

I briefly forgot that I even had this blogspot. It's been over four years since I last entered anything. I wish I could say that in those four years, I've matured wise beyond my years. If anything, I feel further from where I started. 

My oldest is now an adult and a nanny for a sweet family at our church. My youngest is 9. I figured out recently that we've now lived here in this house in Arizona longer than we have ever lived in any house or apartment in our marriage. It certainly doesn't feel that way, but it is true nonetheless. 

Some of the struggles I had before have not changed. I still struggle with contentment. I still struggle being far from the beach. I still struggle with the marching on of time and kids getting older and my body becoming more and more tired and growing old. If anything those struggles against sin are harder and harder to fight at times. Pride creeps in so subtly. Busyness distracts me from sitting down and putting sinful thoughts to death. 

Is life so terrible? No. My blessings far outweigh any trial. I would be lying though if I said things were easy. It's hard to live in the desert. Summers are brutal. Things break so easily here. Car batteries die. ACs go out. Being hot can make me angry. I don't like being cold, but I don't like being hot either. And I don't think this is an Arizona thing, I think it's a post-Covid world thing, but people are flighty. They are committed to very little. If they don't like something, they go someplace else. It's hard to make lasting friendships when people are on to the next thing so quickly. Faithfulness is hard to find. Friendships have been a hard thing for me as a result. It's hard to get close to someone when you fear that they are only here for a time and then they'll be gone as soon as something better comes along. It's hard to stay faithful when faithfulness is rarely seen. 

Sometimes I just want to run away--hide at the beach. Build a house on the cliff and just dwell with no one to bother me. How selfish is that? I don't want to put in hard work for what feels like little reward. Yesterday as I was lamenting some thing or other, Job came to mind. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and for the circumstances in my life. My trials are not similar to Job's really at all. God has not taken away all I hold dear, but his sentiments resonated, particularly in Job 30:27-28 when Job says, "My inward parts are in turmoil and never still; days of affliction come to meet me. I go about darkened, but not by the sun; I stand up in the assembly and cry for help." Job was in anguish. He didn't understand why all of this was happening to him. He didn't feel like he deserved it. And then God answered him. Two verses in particular stopped me in tracks and stabbed me in the heart. 

Job 40:2 "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it."

and

Job 40:8 "Will you even put me in the wrong? Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?"

Will you condemn ME that you may be in the right? Those eleven words fell like bricks on my soul. Is that what I have been doing to God? Have I been condemning Him and His wisdom and His sovereignty in allowing certain things to either happen or not happen? Have I been accusing Him of being wrong? If I answer honestly, then yes, I have. 

I pray often for God's guidance, His leading, His providential hand to guide all things in our lives. I know without a doubt that He has heard those prayers and answered as He knows is best for me. And yet, I lament. I complain in my heart. I wish for different circumstances. I wish to be someplace else. I am like the petulant child whose Father is holding her hand and leading her, but she keeps pulling the other way. I keep kicking God's shins trying to go the other way. It's amazing that at 44 years old I can still be so childish. 

So, what does this all mean? How does this realization change things for me? Well, first of all, it was a very humbling moment of repentance and tears. Secondly, it does change my perspective. I KNOW that God is for me. I KNOW that these trials are for my good. I KNOW that whatever He allows to happen or not happen is sovereignly under His control. God has not changed. 

I wish I could say that the past four years in Christendom have been beautiful. They have not. Scandals have been laid bare. Faithful pastors have died.  Christians have been fighting quite publicly. The world feels dark. Men do what is right in their own eyes. Life can be disheartening and discouraging.

But God. He's not surprised. He's not caught off guard trying to collect the broken pieces to fix things. He's allowing these things to come about. I don't know how He works all things for good, but He does. My job and calling is to remain faithful, even in the darkness, even in the confusion, even in the pain. 

God is good and He does good. This I know that God is for me. I will not be afraid.